Dongeng Pengantar Tidur, pt.2
Intro. 28 Februari 2022, 21.39 WIB.
Nothing better than enjoying the last night of your long weekend other than tuning in to your favorite jazzy album after pampering yourself in an hour-long shower in your cold and pitched black room. Perhaps a glass of that sweet porto cruz special reserve wine would top it, but currently trying to limit my alcohol intake, so it is what it is.
Here writing again after acknowledging my lack of motivation to hit the books nor the availability of a friend to have a good time with. Kicking that social media attraction out of the way now, as I should never be attached to the medium nor the company connected from it.
Took a while to figure out what I would write though. It’s not like I’m currently living in hell — which I am very grateful for — but I’m noting my thoughts again to do the exact opposite, which is to cherish and appreciate the good things happening in life right now. To be more specific, what else to write about other than my prolonged never-content love life.
A bit of a teaser about the topic now, is that this whole story (hopefully long enough to form a well-constructed story) perhaps would be connected to the previously written desperate, frustrating, heartfelt, tearful series of “Dongeng Pengantar Tidur”. Yes, the subject of the story is the same, but let’s be hopeful and plan to write this new series on a more uplifting note. I would guess that the previous sentence would bring questions to mind, knowing the last series ended in ultimate discontinuation. Yet, that’s the story I’ll write about first. So, Petra and Kinan, this is how I met your mother.
Haha just kidding, but it would be cool tho if I had the discipline to write all of the moments and stuck it up into one book to be shared to you kids. But who am I kidding.
The beginning Part 1.
So different from my previous writings, this one won’t loom around my thoughts and feelings, but we will start with a narrative. The events that overturn my head and heart.
It started around the last couple of weeks, where my friend introduced me to her friend, which is a being I found unique (Please note that this is not the girl that will be the main part of the series). I have never met someone, aged 22-ish, with minimum exposure to social media and looks great. By “minimum exposure to social media’’, I mean she’s literally inactive in her instagram or linkedin, does not show any profile pics, and only lives in her second account which is private of course. So I would say that she’s literally a ghost. And by “looks great”, I mean she looks oriental, a model (Yep, a model), and a moslem. What else do I need to say? And yes, the “a moslem” part is a strong point here cause you don’t get to check all those boxes often.
Later on, we chatted on whatsapp. My friend gave me her number and I texted her first, without knowing any idea about her nor any idea on how to approach a girl like that. But surprisingly, the chat went on. It went on and on for a couple of days now. It also started escalating rather quickly, faster than expected. But as I dived deeper, I can’t deny the fact that something felt off. To be open here, it’s from my side of the equation.
Turning 23 this year, I am really focused to find “the one” and skip the easily-ended flings. So, I couldn’t get the questions out of my mind on whether “Do I want to spend my whole lifetime with her?” and trust me I know that’s a hard question to ask and it’ll definitely need more time for us to get along to truly find the answer. But the idea that I have in my mind has answered the question rather quickly, and rather than forming an unnecessary bond, I found myself ending the journey.
The beginning Part 2.
To be honest, the whole first part doesn’t really tie to the whole of the story, but the part that did was that I gained the confidence to get back on my feet and do what I’ve always been desperately tired of, that is trying. With that strength back, I guess you’ll only need an opportunity to go for it, no? And yes, that’s exactly what really happened.
It’s midnight on a Sunday. I was preparing to sleep early so I can jog the next morning. But someone greeted me that time. Someone I highly associate with the girl I heavily wrote about in the previous series : it was her friend.
I can’t explain to you how excited yet jaded I was seeing her name again, cause I’ll bet my life that she’ll say something about the girl I fell for. As expected, she did.
She asked me whether I still talk to her? On top of my lungs of course I’d say “why the hell did you asked me that knowing all I’ve been through to get her of my mind, and yet you’re here so casually pulling up old memories that I forswore to kick the fucking out of my head”, but all I care to think about at the moment is the motive.. “Why on earth would you ask me that again? Did something happen? Should I know about it?”. So yes, I asked the latter.
The answer is : So it happened that they were just talking about myself and she (the friend) came up with this conclusion that a wrong timing was the reason why I didn’t make it the last time. That single conclusion literally fucked my mind 1080 degrees.
She (the friend) said that it has something to do with the wrong timing, so then it erases all the other reasons for it not to be. That said, my hypothetical ass head of mine sparked curiously on “Will things work if now is the time?” One hell of a traumatic question that is.
So, as a way of being responsible for bringing back the trauma to mind, thank god I was able to trouble her friend to answer the goddamn question. After waiting for the next day, the answer finally came.
She (the one I fell for) basically said, “Just go ahead, but please bear in mind the possibility of being friendzoned”. And with that said, you have now idea how that turned me into a jumping frickin’ leapfrog from couch-to-couch.
Guys, as I’ve said before this is a narrative, so I’m here just spilling the chronological POV. However trust me — that conclusion got my engine going like a bugatti, and I’m fully aware the term “friendzone” is there. But hey, you’ll never know if you never try right? Hahahaha.
So there I am moving forward with expectations deep low as the mariana trench, and by the way, there truly is much more to the story, but the significance of the conclusion here just swept the shit out of the details.
Oh iya, since in this time of writing we don’t know how the story will end, I’ll just put it here as a humble reminder of my cautiousness. So before actually acting through my behavior, I asked her friend 1 clarifying question that I assume would be the make or break out of it, as I assume she (the friend) would be happy for us as well if “the try” turns out well. So I basically submitted a question for her (the one I fell for) that sounds like this :
“My question is, can you befriend a person that you absolutely know that possesses a deep feeling for you?
The reason is — from my end, I believe that I am quite mature enough to accept that a person may not have the same feeling as I do, but I am not quite hypocrite enough to lie to myself that I do not have such feelings”
Yes, I know, quite a poetic question that is — but anyway — I forgot the exact answer of it, but I do remember that it aligns quite well with my what I can accept. So there you have it. This stupid heck of a moron is taking another chance to love.
But again, here’s the thing. I fully acknowledge that the part you’re reading now is only merely the possibility of the beginning of the story, and the bitter reality to it is that I don’t own the story, I don’t own this chapter, it’s fully hers. So I’d like to repeat myself one more time before going though a writing pause, where the conclusion is “Just go ahead, but please bear in mind the possibility of being friendzoned”. So yes, it is my risk to take, and I’m fully prepared to see what’s coming next with a humbled heart.
Things might go south when it goes north too fast, and it’s the captain’s role to steer the ship, even though the wind is obviously blowing. So here’s to an open ending. Where I’m gonna reassure myself that no matter what happens now, I’m glad about it. I did my best to try in the best of scenarios, and I’m very thankful for the opportunity for letting me try again.
Cheers to us!
To be continued.. (not dependent on me)
Peace from Within. 2 March 2022, 00.02 WIB.
So herein the story ends and continues. Again, there’s much happening in the last 7 days. To recap the itsy bits not covered before : we had a great chat again. We discussed my medium (yup, you read that right). We exchanged pantun haha. I almost got her on a culinary trip after sending her a deck of 20 curated culinary places in Jakarta (so much effort on this one, but it’s kind of an investment to myself also as I love to eat haha). And many others to cherish. But as the last two paragraphs suggest, this is not the story that I’ve planned coming into, but this is the story that I deserve, for the good and better.
The good : after all those bits I’ve recap, we had a chat. A long one? Well essentially she sent me a parting text. The ones you get in a breakup situation, but the difference is it’s not really a breakup since we’re not really a thing too. So it’s more of a ‘managing expectation’ text, and that’s what she did.
A 496 word text of clarification, appreciation, apologies, and that kinda stuff. And I’m thankful for every word she brought up to the surface. Really I am. I know that this is not the usual negative-minded me. But the fact that she spoke up, really changed the equation.
And so right now, this exact moment, 40-mins after reading her long text, I feel relieved. I feel acknowledged. Appreciated. Understood. And lost to be honest. I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do now, nor what I want. I have no desire, but not in a bad way. I kinda feel free.
Well I guess lost and free are quite similar when you think about it. I mean it doesn’t necessarily change the way I feel about her, but it’s just that I’m completely taking in the fact that she does not feel the same and I have no chance to change that away. It’s the same feeling when you realize the sky is blue, leaves are green, shit are chocolate, and golkar is yellow. You can’t do anything to change what or who they are. So you’re just into this full acceptance mode, and be free of the idealist construct you’ve made in your head all this time. Well, that’s the “better” I think.
So in the spirit of acceptance, I had to reconfirm the situation.
With that said, here’s to a happy life ahead, for you and for me, connected or separated.
I’m very sorry for the anti-climactic ending, but another way to put it is this is peace from within.
Live in peace, Me.
and thank you again, .
