Coming and Leaving Empty Handed

The title’s kinda vague tho

Here I am, the kid walking behind the pack, trying to fit myself inside the convos, while nobody bothers to hear/ask me out. The invisible one. The one nobody gives a shit about. Rejected, unwanted, insecure, and graduated. That’s me entering college.

The euforia is in, an opportunity of anew, it’s a clean slate knocking in front of the door. It wasn’t only just for me, but I’m pretty sure it’s a generic mindset for anyone to step into a new home, knowing you’ll be staying there for a long time with a whole new community. It’s a free pass to create a new you.

Week in week out, work my way upfront, making a name for myself, giving all i could.

Year in year out, reaching heights that no one before could ever think of, not my family, not my highschool folks, not even my damn own self. Granted two titles, peak of power, everyday limelight, a name for the books.

But little did I know, the depth of my own consciousness wasn’t anywhere near the surface upon those times. I was running autopilot, steered with the pursuit of glory, power, and legacy. Never did I ever reach that depth of mindfulness, where I guess, it was all driven by feelings I was so insecure with, I never bother to consider. The feeling of being wanted, accepted, and being a man of ideals so that i have no reason to be insecure. Little did I know back then.

In the brute of honesty, with those feelings driving me inside, all I wanted was to make as many as friends as possible. As many of them, so that I could be accepted by as many of them.

But this self-critical high-expecting mind of mine, has a jumbled way of thinking of its own.

I tried to be accepted by others, but at the same time I was still trying to accept myself. Striving to reach my highest form of expectation and dream, and along the way losing what happens to be my sole and implicit objective, which is to make friends.

As I strive for my ideals, I lose what is real, I lost friends. I was too serious in chasing the collective end goals of the team, instead of actually being a part of the team. My motives were premature, seeking acceptance and to be wanted through the necessary behaviour of a team searching for the man responsible.

And here I am, living lonely and unwanted in my last month of my cleanslate. No opportunity to turn things around, leaving here empty handed, no dreams accomplished, no company alongside.